sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Vodka?
Forever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
