You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize