From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
