Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sobbing to NWA
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
