sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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