Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You are a genius and a whore.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
