I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
