Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
