When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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