im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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