You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
