mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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