I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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