with your own penis?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
