i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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