then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
