last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
