Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
