you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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