I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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