Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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