he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
