i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
