did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
