so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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