my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
