It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
