I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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