We named our party play list daddy issues
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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