Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
