and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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