I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
