So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
