woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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