She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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