Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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