Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
