I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
God, I missed his penis.
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