How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
