His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
