1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
