u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
