so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
