I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize