Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
