does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize