Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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