youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
