I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
