JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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