I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i drank out of a bidet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
