Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are two peas in an std pod
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
