I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
