I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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