Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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