some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize